Excerpt from DANCING ON MARS: Married or Single?

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Married:  To Be or Not to Be? 


The best things about being married are having someone

  *to co-op the contempt of your teenagers.

  *to roll the garbage cart to the curb.

  *to be your surrogate car-shopper; he won’t automatically be seen as  “another sucker.”

  *to sound like an idiot describing to the mechanic exactly what noise the car was making.

  *who will let you know, when you’re out in public, there’s spinach   between your front teeth--if he notices next time.

  *to father your children--someone they can meet once they’re born. 

  *whose name will be your thankless child’s first word after you carry him 9 months, go from sick as a dog  to a blimp with legs, then twelve hours of labor. 

  *who’s frozen with fear, just like you, when there’s a strange noise late in the night...who’s as scared as you are of the big, ugly spider, but his pride is stronger than his fear, so he takes it out.  No, he doesn’t kill it.  He takes it outside because you insist.

   *to drive you home from a party.  Unless, of course, he needs a ride home.

   *to take care of things when you’re loopy after the colonoscopy.  He’d   better come through on this one.

   *to haul the Christmas tree home from the lot, banishing most of your fear that it will fall out of the trunk and kill an old lady and the good Scout walking her across the street.

   *who doesn’t need batteries for handy sex.

   *who will de-ice the sidewalk on outrageously cold mornings.

   *who can reach the top shelf or stand on the tall ladder that gives you      vertigo.

   *who will say you look “fine” even if an outfit makes you look fat.

   *who can find the itch between your shoulders in a split second.

   *who validates your starting sentences with “My husband...”

   *who gives you reason to buy the big pork roast instead of one chop.

  *who calls you a pet name in public.

  *who  takes on some of life’s burdens and a little of the blame.

  *who sometimes gives you incentive to make dinners that involve more    than three ingredients.

  *who can do the heavy lifting and schlep around the luggage.

  *The very best thing about being married is having a wonderful guy who loves you.  And sometimes, as my friend Bev says, you just need someone around to open a jar.

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On Being Married

When we’re young, we are blissful in the belief that love really is all we need.  Love and the intertwining of our life with the object of our love-lust.  For youthful unions, courage isn’t always an ingredient in the prenuptial mix.

But later in life, especially in second or subsequent marriages, emotional courage is what we need most.  With each passing year, life grows more complex.  It’s layered with questions to consider before we enter into an emotional and legal commitment to another.

By mid-life we’re driven more by who we are and what we want in life than by hormones and love songs.  By now there often are children, careers, financial complications, pets, stronger lifestyle preferences,  passionate opinions and commitments, more solidified values.  In other words, we are no longer quite so malleable.   Although we continue to grow, at a certain point in life our compass is pretty much set; we’ve identified our North Star.  As more mature, self-actualized beings, we aren’t as likely to be seduced into taking a different direction.  So, I think it takes commendable courage to risk losing one’s compass, to risk the possibility of deferring significant goals or watering down one’s own passions in favor of supporting a partner’s. 

My friend Ursula said something that bears repeating: 

The bottom line for me on relationships and marriage is that both people should be better in them than they are alone—not just happier but better.  Being in partnership should help you explore different aspects of your self in a safe place; a partner should give you peace, comfort, support, confidence to do and be more than you would without that partner.

My own life as a married woman is like a dream not quite remembered or a painting left outdoors and faded by the sun.   Today I usually experience marriage flashbacks with a curious sense of detachment.   The intense emotion that once accompanied those memories is gone.  Sometimes it’s hard to believe I ever was married.   If someone had told me, in the early months after the divorce, that I’d feel this way now?  Probably I would have been angry.  I definitely wouldn’t have believed them.

Voices from a Longtime Marriage

He:

I always knew, down deep, that I didn’t want to be married to a woman I could dominate, who would allow the man to have the upper hand.  Starting in high school, I’d pull away from girls I thought were meek and mild.  I didn’t want someone who’s totally dependent.

To me, the most important thing in a marriage is that, even though you’re a couple, you’re still individuals.  We spend time together, do things together, and each of us also has interests independent of each other.    For it to work, people need to have their own emotional space...they need to maintain and develop their own interests and their own life.  You can’t get married thinking that’s going to end your responsibility for being an individual and developing yourself.   At any given time in a marriage, I think we need to be at a point where we can still survive without the other person.  Even though you can’t imagine doing it and it seems like the worst thing possible....

When the two of us talk about “why it works” I remind her that from the first time we met, she had my admiration and respect.  She said it’s been the same for her.


She:

Marriage is a humbling thing, and I don’t know that I’d give advice.  All the things people tell you after they’ve been married fifty years, like not going to bed mad and all that, and I think of course I’ve been to bed mad.  I’ve gone to bed in a separate bed!

For me, the critical thing is respect.   The bottom line isn’t about love and all the romantic notions; it’s about respect being at the core.  If your partner’s not somebody you respect, then you can’t trust them; you won’t care about them forever, and you won’t treat them in a way people deserve to be treated. 

One of the things that humbles me about marriage, something you can’t possibly tell people who are about to get married:  You can’t imagine how hard it can be.  You just can’t.  It’s worth it, but it’s work.

Humor helps a lot.  I like his sense of humor, and we can laugh at ourselves.

* * *

Married Again, With Children:

People with young children, when considering re-marrying, are likely to understand that there will be challenges involving the children.   But those entering later-life marriages don’t always anticipate that adult, sometimes middle-aged, “children” will be a source of stress.

Elaina is 66, feels 40; she’s been married nearly nineteen years this second time.  For her, the best things about a married lifestyle are having a partner in bed, and having a travel companion, dance partner, someone to cook for, share meals and laugh with.  She, like other married women I know, enjoys feelings of stronger financial security with combined retirement incomes.

Pitfalls, challenges?   Adult children have presented the most serious problems, bringing some jealousy and resentments into the situation.

Elaina says she often does things she doesn’t really want to do, like watching too much TV, in the interest of the relationship.  While she does pursue independent interests, she’d like to do more on her own, and she’d enjoy having more space and quiet time for herself.   Her husband doesn’t seem to have the capacity for deep feelings. He shows little compassion when Elaina experiences sadness, disappointment, or pain.  He doesn’t want to see her rare tears or hear about problems from his well-balanced and healthy wife.   She has stopped wishing he were different, has accepted him as he is, and focuses on positive aspects of the partnership.  Elaina has no desire to restructure her life at this point, so she chooses to remain in the marriage.  She gets support, when she needs it, from friends and a support group.

If she found herself single, would she want to marry again?  She would not.  ...Maybe a live-in partner...or, better yet, a weekend ‘guest’ would leave me more free time and space.

The way I see it, marriage is like a scale--you have good and bad and you have to try to keep it balanced.  There will be times when the scale will tilt one way that you don't like and then, days later,  it will tilt the other way, which you will love.  I guess that’s where ‘for better or worse’ comes in.

                                                                               * * *    

Sandra is a woman I got to know while shopping at her consignment store.  One day I stopped by and could tell that something was afoot.  Sandra was radiant.  I could swear she was vibrating, could almost feel it from across the store.

Lucky for me and not so lucky for the business,  we were the only ones there, so we were able to talk.    I knew before she said the first word that she was in love--and she was--with the best, hottest, sweetest man on the planet.  He had two daughters,  twelve and fourteen, who lived with him.   From things she said and a phone call from one of the girls while I was there, it was obvious they were crazy about her.   I shared Sandra’s happiness and fairly floated home on her good news.    When I saw her a few weeks later,  she was still glowing as she made plans for a small family wedding. 

Flash forward several months:  I was in her store searching for jeans that would allow for breathing, and it looked as if Sandra had been crying.   She was tallying up a sale.   When she was free, she told me--and I will paraphrase for brevity--that Prince Charming had become a toad not long after the “I do’s” were exchanged.   The daughters had been absolutely hostile and were undermining her at every turn.  They had said, to her face, that they hated her.   (Having had no experience with teenagers, Sandra was not familiar with the “I hate you” mantra.)   She had tried everything...and she had thought they had actually loved her.

And he...well, he must have been one hell of an actor.  That SOB had been playing the Prince when in reality he was polar opposite of Sandra, with her kind and generous nature.   The details would probably bore you or bum you.  So, I’ll just say she has a heart to mend and a life to rebuild.  The total lack of cooperation (from her man and his daughters) in her efforts toward peace, love, and understanding finally turned in her favor.  The sadness that wore her down, turned into despair, and finally became indignation.

Alone in the house one morning, Sandra gave in to an impulse to throw her toothbrush and makeup into the laundry basket.  Then, she snatched her clothes from the crowded closet and got the hell out of there.   Last time I saw her,  she was getting back on an even keel, still disillusioned and disappointed but no longer devastated.  Divorce in process, self-respect off life support.  She regrets giving up her home to move into his, but she has a small condo near the beach now.  

When Sandra tells me she painted her kitchen floor purple, the light is back in her Irish eyes.   I know she’ll be okay.



                                                                          --End Excerpt--

Note:  You'll get insights and perspectives from other married AND single women in Dancing on Mars.

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